I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
You Might Also Like
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower