me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
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Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
A completely valid reaction tbh
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
This hospital has everything
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Waiting for the Charmin
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM