Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
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mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.