Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
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Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
Sing it!
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
LOL
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please