Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
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You make me want to be a better home and garden.
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?