my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
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Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix