One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
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pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
new record!
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
🤣🤣
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
I have never related to a cat more
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
How it started: How it’s going:
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.