When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
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inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business