Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
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Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
My hips? Compulsive liars.
I feel it
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.