Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
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Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
No, he would not have.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.