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If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number