ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
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Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
This is my pinned tweet
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.