Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
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Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
Google reviews are always so mixed..
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.