The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
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My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
How to wake up a Beagle
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?