If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
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2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now