ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
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*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
just witnessed a drug deal
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
I feel this so hard
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
Not all heroes wear capes.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!