A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
You Might Also Like
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*