Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
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Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.