[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
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I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
you have three unread messages
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you