[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
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Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros