Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
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Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.