I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
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*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*