I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
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They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.