The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
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(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.