IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
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The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄