My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
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Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit