Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
You Might Also Like
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.