I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
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I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
Pandas 🐼🖤
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you