Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
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Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God