genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
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Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.