Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
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STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.