“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
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*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.