a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
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BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that