Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
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just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.