Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
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Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
g
a
r
d
e
n
e
r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.