*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
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accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”