I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
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If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back