Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
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the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?