ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
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That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
Investing in beetcoin
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
my first dose meeting my second
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”