Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
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Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
Any refunds available?…
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
an octopus is just a wet spider
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.