I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
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Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in