Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
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Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
They grow up so quick
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
not to brag, but mine was free