ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
You Might Also Like
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
My dryer is celebrating lint.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
Welcome
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
Just how popey was the pope today?
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”