What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
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me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”