Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
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I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
pls suprot
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
mom gave me mine for free
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]