Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
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Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
Bro what is this
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.