Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
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Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
This a good idea
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it