Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
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I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.