*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
You Might Also Like
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.