the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
You Might Also Like
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
Worst Native American name ever.
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.